Where Does My Heart Beat Now
by 1loveforall
Summary: Eiri has disappeared and Shuichi is devastated. Will Eiri find what he was looking for before he loses his lover?


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Gravitation nor do I own the song.

Summary: Yuki has disappeared from Shuichi's life. One stormy evening the youth hears a song that seems to speak to his feelings of events taking place.

Genre: Angst, romance

Warnings: OOC Behavior, mention of sex, bad language.

Rating: Nc-17

Pairings: Eiri Yuki x Shuichi Shindo.

_**WHERE DOES MY HEART BEAT NOW**_

The storm had continued unabated for several days now. To the young man standing at the balcony windows, the rain reflected his current mood. He had come home from the studio several weeks ago to find that the one who held his heart had left without a word. The others were worried about the pink haired singer, but he couldn't bring himself to say much about the situation. What could he say? He was wrong to believe in the writer. Someone else held the heart of the one he loved and the ghost of that love wouldn't seem to let him go. Thinking of something his mother had told him about loving someone the singer decided to try and pick up the pieces of his broken heart on his own this time. He had come here tonight to gather the items he had left there when times had be happier for him and his hazel eyed lover. It was no longer home without Eiri there and the youth could no longer bring himself to be there. Turning on the radio to fill the silence that echoed in the apartment he turned from the rain to continue the project that had brought him there. The song that he was listening to seemed to say what his heart couldn't.

_**So much to believe in-we were lost in time**_

_**Everything I needed **_

_**I fell into your eyes**_

_**Always thought of keeping- your heart next to mine**_

_**But now that seems so far away**_

_**Don't know how love could leave without a trace**_

_**Where do silent hearts go?**_

The situation had started to take it tole on the youth. The youth had been spending many nights at the recording studio instead of the apartment much to the dismay of the president. The youth had also started to lose weight ( something he could ill afford) Everyone knew the situation had to give. It had taken some courage to finally get up enough strength to do what he was doing tonight. Packing up what was needed to do his work, leaving the place he had been happiest. He would leave with only the things he had brought when he moved in. The singer had spoken to his mother the night before and had been told that he was welcome to come home till he sorted things out. She sensed the youths distress and let it be known that she was there for her son. The pink-haired youth realized he was lucky to have such a supportive family. Maybe if Eiri had had the support he had then maybe things would have ended differently for the two of them.

No one knew where the writer had gone. Even Tomah who seemed to know everything concerning the writer had no idea. In fact the manager had come to the singer in order to find out where the author had gone. For the first while the two hadn't gotten along but as time had passed, Tomah realized that the singer truly made the author happy. The manager was working hard to repair the damage done to his marriage caused by his obsession with the blond. The couple had invited the youth to stay at their place when they learned of the missing man. The youth sadly shook his head and thanked them for their kind offer. Tomah worried about the violet eyed singer and couldn't help but feel his heart break for the youth. The president had finally understood what his wife had been saying about the youth being good for the blond. Having seen the changes first hand Tomah did the only thing he could do. Offering to help the youth in any way possible he was not surprised to have the youth turn down his offer. The president needed to get in touch with his brother-in-law before the youth left their place for good. Though Seguchi kept that thought to himself. The singer couldn't help but wonder had he ever been important to the writer? Why had Eiri disappeared? No one could answer the questions raging in the youth's head. He realized it was time to let go of a hopeless dream. Shuichi felt he needed to be alone to do what he had to do. Saying good-bye to someone who brought out the best and worst in him was something that no one should witness.

_**Where does my heart beat now?**_

_**Where is the sound **_

_**That only echoes through the night**_

_**Where does my heart beat now**_

_**I can't live without **_

_**Without feeling it inside**_

_**Where do all the lonely hearts go?**_

Privately the singer couldn't help but wonder where the writer had gone. The day before the writer had vanished, things had seemed fine or so he thought. Did he do something that caused this? Unfortunately the one needed to answer those questions was no where to be found. Caressing the bed that he had made up with fresh sheets Shuichi's mind wandered back to the night before he vanished. If he closed his eyes he could still feel the authors hands as they explored his body. Feel the ghostly touch that caressed him lighting fires underneath his skin as his body raced to a place that only one could take him to. Shuichi knew when he left the apartment that there was one thing that wouldn't leave with him. His heart belonged to the author and the singer didn't really want it back. The author needed it in order to keep the darkness away from him. With a sad sigh the pink haired singer turned away from the bed, the memories threatening to overwhelm him. Though everywhere the youth turned in the apartment, memories seemed to overwhelm him. There had been some great times here.

_**Candle in the water - Drifting helplessly**_

_**Hiding from the thunder - Come and rescue me**_

_**Driven by the hunger - of the endless dream**_

_**I'm searching for the hand that I can hold**_

_**I'm reaching for the arms that let me know**_

_**Where do silent hearts go?**_

Shuichi still felt so lost without the writer. When the thunder cracked, it startled the youth out of his reverie. It was getting to dangerous to leave at the present and the youth wouldn't do anything that would end up adding to the wounds that his lover already suffered. Maybe it would be okay to spend one last night on the couch that had started out as his bed before Yuki had started to let him share the bed. He knew that he wouldn't sleep in the bed especially not tonight. In fact he wouldn't even stay at the apartment. To many memories were there. There had been so much love, laughter, joy and tears in these rooms. Maybe in time he would be able to see even the exterior of the building in a different light but knew in his heart he couldn't bring himself to set foot in the place. Staring out the window again, Shuichi sent a silent prayer on the wind that the author was all right.

The singer laid down on the couch knowing full well that this was the last time he would do so. It was over for the two of them. He hadn't really said anything to anyone he worked with but it wouldn't surprise the singer if some of them had guessed. He always did wear his heart on his sleeve. Maybe in time he would be able to think of his lover without his throat closing off with unshed tears. Though he would love Eiri with all his heart for always, he knew that this was for the best. In order to make his lover happy he would leave. The landlord had said that the apartment was his, but the singer just couldn't stay there not without his love. Everyone had called to make sure the youth was all right . Some calls he had expected but there had been a few surprises. Tomah had spoken to the youth at some length even though they had been at the studio together just a few hours before. Worried for the youth that seemed to do what no one else could, the older man had come over in order to make sure the youth was all right. Surprise was the only reaction that the blond could think of seeing what the youth was doing. After their talk, the blond went home in order to try and reach the author, unknown to the singer. Tears fell silently as the pink haired youth finally succumbed to exhaustion.

Morning broke to find the youth tossing restlessly on the couch that had been his bed. It was a mistake for the singer to stay there. The passion filled dreams he had of his lover had drummed it into the boys head that it was the final time he would be there. He would never again set foot in the place. Never again feel the authors heat as they came together in passion. Never feel those hazel eyes caress his body as he shed his stage clothes, the want shining in those orbs setting fire to his body. Dragging his sleep deprived body into the shower, trying to keep the tears at bay as he remembered the happiness that had filled the place. He hoped that the hot water that poured over his aching body would help hide the ravages of yet another sleepless night. Shuichi didn't want the others to worry about him and under the circumstances he had done nothing but worry everybody. If he hadn't then why had they all called to check on him? Even Tomah had come by to make sure he was all right. Slowly dawning clothes to prepare for another day at the studio the silence was broken by the ringing of his phone. Startled to see that Tomah was calling him, he wondered what was up_. _When the man told him to wait the singers response was that he would be at the studio shortly. Nothing the boss could say would sway the singer to change his mind. Even the promise of extra time off could not sway the youth. The president was to the point he was going to send his wife over in order to stop the boy from leaving. It hurt to hear such misery from the singer.

Tomah had managed to reach the missing author the night before. He had left a message that probably sent chills down the authors back. Shuichi was in really bad shape, everyone realized that except for the singer. The president didn't know how long it would be before the youth gave up and left this world. The worst was it was so needless. Eiri really needed to let the past go, allow himself to be happy again. When the blond called at one in the morning the other was waiting for it. What he had to say to his brother-in-law couldn't wait. Tomah told the hazel eyed man everything. How the violet eyed singer was suffering so much. The youth was bordering on hospitalization if this situation progressed any farther. Either that or he would be dead, a thought that actually made Tomah sick. The conversation that the two had went about settling down old fears, help to let the ghosts die down. Now if the author could get back in time to help the one who held his heart in the palm of his hand.

When all was completed, he was ready as he could be to leave the apartment for the final time. Seguchi had called him and told him to wait but Shuichi knew there was nothing left to keep him there. He would get Hiro to help him after work to take out the boxes that he stacked by the door after they finished at the studio that day. There was no sense in waiting any more. The writer wasn't coming back. Hadn't he made that clear by putting the place in the singers name. Why had Seguchi-san asked the singer to wait around? Would waiting a little longer change the writing on the wall? No his heart was broken but in time he hoped it would mend. Eiri had taught him that he could be strong. With a final look around the apartment , making sure he hadn't left anything on, the singer placed his hand on the knob and was about to open the door when it opened to reveal the youth's hazel eyed lover. Surprise crossed the youths face as he slipped into darkness.

_**I know that out there somewhere**_

_**He waits for me**_

_**Someone who's searching just like me**_

_**The one touch overcomes the silence**_

_**Love still survives**_

_**Two hearts needing one another**_

_**Give me wings to fly**_

Waiting to find out the singers status was taking a toll on the author. The others had gathered in the waiting room after receiving a call from said author. Hiro stood across the room and glared at the blond. Why did he continue to hurt the youth? Why had the bastard returned? Hadn't he done enough damage to the one who radiated sunshine even in the darkest of nights? It pissed the red-head off to no end that the author seemed oblivious to the pain he was inflicting on the boy. It also pissed him off to see Tomah there coddling the writer. How he cursed the pair for all the hurt they put the youth through. Suguru wasn't sure what would happen if the doctors found out something was wrong with the pink haired baka. Mika stood back and watched the group noticing how the group seemed to be divided. Some were there to support Eiri, others there for Shuichi. Maybe it was time to stand in support of the pair. Theirs was a love like no other, at times Mika even was jealous of the bond the two lovers shared. " Enough," Mika snarled stopping all conversations and finger pointing. " In many ways we all failed the youth, my brother for letting one dead asshole control him so much that he seems hell bent to destroy the best thing that happened to him. Us, all of us for seeing that something was wrong and not doing anything to help him. So instead of finger pointing and assigning blame, focus on working together as a group to help him." Everyone was surprised to hear the venom in the womans voice. Just as the smart comebacks were about to be launched, the doctor came in with news for the group. " Mr. Yuki, I presume," the doctor addressed the taller blond. " Your friend is suffering from stress and lack of food. We are going to keep him here overnight for observation before we release him. He will need to take some time off work in order to regain his strength. He's resting comfortably right now as he is sedated. You will be able to see him for a short time." the doctor turned away from the group and went with the nurse to check the status of another patient.

" Could I stay with him for the night?" the author asked of the doctor before he completely disappeared. " Under normal circumstances I would say no, but maybe you could help him remain calm. Please don't upset him further." After the doctor left the author looked at his lovers best friend silently telling him to go see the youth. " This isn't over." the red head snarled under his breath as he passed by the author.

Shuichi looked as pale as the sheets that he rested on. Hiro's heart broke even more at the sight of his best friend. Could his best friend be put back together again? How many more times would that asshole break the violet eyed boy before he couldn't be fixed? The sound of another entering the room interrupted his thoughts before they could get darker than they already were. Looking up the guitarist saw it was none other than the one who landed his best friend in the hospital. With a snarl the youth turned and resolutely faced the one in the bed. The author gazed at the one laying before him not knowing what to say to the youth's friend. What could he say. It was his fault that the pink haired baka was in the hospital in the first place. Finally coming away from the door the author crossed to the other side of the bed. "Why?" the author quietly asked the other man. " Why does he keep giving me his love, never giving up on me? Why won't he let me go? Why does he make me need him as well? Why?"

" He sees something in you that even you don't see. None of us see what he does. Maybe he believes that you deserve some happiness in your life. Who knows, but boy do I want to kick your ass. I told you if you made him cry for any reason other than his own stupidity I wouldn't forgive you. Well I see you've earned my anger. I can only hope you've learned something from this. Keep it up and you'll kill him. Maybe that's what you want. Get better soon Shuichi. I've gotta go before I do something that will hurt you more buddy." With a glance at his friend and a glare at the author, he left the room.

" It's true, he sees something in you that even you don't. Most people would have walked but his heart belongs to you. The question is are you going to start protecting it or continue to destroy it. The choice is yours. One day we won't be able to save him not even you. This was one wake up call. Make the most of it." the blond standing in the darkness said to his brother-in-law. " He is living proof that a person can move beyond the worst pain imaginable if they love the person enough. Yuki Kitazawa only thought of himself when he started that incident that night. He truly didn't care for you. You shouldn't feel bad for taking his life. Look what he endured to protect you. See what he was willing to put up with just because he loved you. He's dying Eiri, will you help him live? He's brought so many changes to your life, now you have to change for him. Do you want Kitazawa to truly destroy you?" Eiri's sister said from the doorway coming further into the room and grasping the frail hand that lay on the sheets.

Yuki could only stare in awe at the tiny bundle of boundless love that had been given to him. They had been right. The youth was the most important person in the authors life though he failed to let the youth know. Now it was time to let the past go. Glancing at his sister and brother-in-laws face, Eiri was startled to see the grief there. Seeing the singer in this condition would break the most hardened of hearts, Eiri being no exception. Tears shimmered on Mika's lashes as she held the frail hand of the young man. " Please be okay." she quietly whispered. " I'm so sorry that we hurt you as well. We didn't see the positive changes you brought to my brothers life, so we tried to keep you apart. Thank you for being the bright spot in all of our lives. Please don't lose the light in you." With a shudder , Mika threw herself into the arms of her husband as tears cascaded down her face. " Eiri, why don't you take Shuichi for a vacation. The doctor did say that he needed rest. I'll give him the time off so go someplace."

" All right." was the quiet response. " Take care of him Eiri." Mika whispered before the couple departed too. Left alone with the broken youth Eiri got a good look at the tole that his disappearance had wrought on the boy. Shuichi was always light but now he was gaunt. Hip bones were more pronounced and his stomach was even smaller than it all ready was. How much weight had the youth lost? The author wondered. As if the questions that were raging in his head were spoken aloud, the doctor returned. The doctor quietly answered the question burning in Eiri' s mind. " He's dropped roughly 20 lbs. For someone as small as he is, he can't afford such a drastic drop in weight. That coupled with the fact that he has been hardly sleeping is what has brought him to this point. He really needs you. Take care of him." With that the doctor again left the youth in the hands of his lover. Eiri took the chair that he had pulled closer to the bed again. Holding one fragile hand in his, brushing the strawberry colored locks away from the face of the slumbering youth, Eiri felt his heart beating in the palm of the boy's hand. Fixing this mess he made was going to take a little more work than he thought. It wasn't something that could be made right just by falling into bed. With a tired sigh the blond lay his head down on the bed beside the youth.

_**I feel my heart beat now**_

_**Now that I've found**_

_**The feeling that lives inside of me**_

_**I've got someone to give my heart to**_

_**Feel it getting stronger and stronger and stronger**_

_**Hearts are made to last**_

_**Till the end of time**_

A few hours later Shuichi awoke to the feeling of someone strangling his hand. Trying to withdraw said appendage while not waking the one holding it was proving to be a futile exercise. Finally unable to stand the pins in it, he pulled it away with a jerk. Yuki lifted his head from where it rested and gazed into confused violet eyes. " How ..., Where..., who...?" the youth mumbled under his breath trying to focus on all that surrounded him. " Shh.., Shu-chan, your in the hospital. You collapsed. The doctor says you haven't been resting or eating." a quiet voice drew his attention to the speaker beside him. " Yuki?" the boy questioned sad eyes fixed on the face that he held so dear.

" Yeah, it's me." the author replied, as he brushed errant bangs off the face of this small wonder. Inside he was full of doubt's and fear. Maybe this time Shuichi wouldn't take him back. It seemed as if this was truly a possibility since the singer turned away from his blond lover curling up tighter to ward off the cold that he felt.

" Why are you here, Yuki?" the youth sadly questioned the blond. " Do you want to rub it in as to how much of a baka I am? How irresponsible I am? How I was such a baka to waste my love on a jerk like you? If you did then you can leave now. I get it. I'll let you go. Take care of yourself Yuki." the youth muttered not wanting to see the face for fear that there was scorn reflecting back at him.

Eiri couldn't believe the words falling from the youth's lips. No, the baka wasn't allowed to let him go. Eiri couldn't let the light the youth brought to his life walk out the door. Where did his heart beat now? The time he spent away from the singer answered that question. It was with Shuichi. Somehow the singer found enough of the pieces of his heart left from when Kitazawa had attacked him , taking them and making a new one, breathing life into what was left of the shell of a person. He refused to let the youth turn away from him.

" No Shu-chan, your not the baka. I am. I should have realized along time ago that you were special, but I didn't. No, don't ever let me go. I would be more than lost without you. I hurt you again, I hope you can forgive me. Don't say anything." the writer stated as the youth opened his mouth to speak. " This is hard for me to do. You know my story, but I kept using that as an excuse. Words can't begin to say how sorry I am. That's barely the tip of the iceberg. I thought you would be better off without me. Instead I hurt you again. Please Shu-chan don't let me go." he quietly begged, his heart having stopped beating in fear that it was all over.

Shuichi stared at the author, unsure of what to make of what the author said. Should he believe his lover or walk away? The look of fear in those familiar hazel eyes was a new sight. Maybe this time the youth could believe his lover. It was the first time that Eiri had shown any kind of emotion other than contempt for the singer. Would he put his heart on the line again? Could he put his heart on the line one more time? Then again didn't Eiri do this every time. When he felt that he was getting to close to the singer or things were getting to comfortable for them, he would disappear for days or weeks on end pushing the tiny youth to the brink before supposedly bringing him back. They had been on this merry-go-round for so long that Shuichi felt he was going to be sick. Then again if he wasn't sick then he wouldn't be in the hospital. He didn't know how to respond to what the blond had said to him.

Eiri for the most part was holding his breath. For once he wasn't certain of the brats behavior and that was scaring the man. Under normal circumstances, the man would at this point be struggling to get the youth off him long enough to breath. So far though Shuichi just sat there looking at the other man. Was it truly over? Had he done this one to many times? Was Shuichi finally going to give up? The blond had never felt as fearful about anything since the day his sensei had attacked him. What he wouldn't give for the chance to go back and take all the hurt he had caused the youth away. He knew without a doubt that he had to keep trying to bring the light back into his world. Reaching into his pocket for the lighter with his favorite picture on it, Eiri's hand collided with another small object. His worries for his little songbird making him forget about it. He had picked up a ring that he saw that reminded him of the most precious person in his life now. Would this prove to Shuichi that he was truly serious?

" Before you say anything there is something I want to give you. I had picked it up shortly after I left and held onto it till the right moment. Before you let me go I want you to have this. The reason I left is because I wanted to really see how I wanted you in my life. I know I've done the disappearing thing one to many times for you to forgive me so please take this knowing you take my heart with you. I was setting up a surprise for you but it seems that I have gone to far. I'm sorry." Eiri stated as he slipped the simple gold band on his loves ring finger. He had one for himself and even if they were no longer together, one broken heart belonged to the singer and always would.

Shuichi gasped as he felt the metal settle on his finger. His eyes could only focus on the face of his lover. Was this what the author truly wanted? Placing both of his small hands on each side of Eiri's face, the youth gazed in wonder into hazel eyes he loved so well. It seemed as if Eiri wasn't try to hide anything from the boy this time. All the love that lay hidden within his heart was shining on the youth, helping to heal his wounded heart. It was when Eiri went to cup his lovers cheek, that Shuichi saw for the first time the matching band that Eiri wore. That was the final piece of the puzzle that he needed. This time the authors words were real. With a soft sigh Shuichi placed himself within the arms of the one who was so dear to him. Eiri knew there was no way in hell he would ever let the boy escape, nor would he continue to run.

" So Eiri what is this surprise you wanted to give me?" Shuichi asked quietly, still feeling the exhaustion deep within him. With a soft chuckle Eiri slid into the be next to the boy and whispered his plans into the youth's ear as sleep once more claimed the youth.


End file.
